Star of the North Tarot Conference is less than two weeks away. It’s pretty exciting that there’s going to be a new local tarot conference. Learn more and register at http://www.tctarotcollective.com/

Paganicon is less than two months away, March 16-18. This Twin Cities based Pagan Conference was astounding last year, and looking even better this year. Learn more at http://tcpaganpride.org/paganicon/ and register at http://paganicon.eventbrite.com/

John Michael Greer is returning to the Twin Cities for a weekend intensive at the Eye of Horus next weekend. Greer was last year’s honored guest at Paganicon, and was so loved that the Eye of Horus is bringing him back. http://shop.eyeofhorus.biz/Ceremonial-Magic-for-Pagans-p/cls-jmg1.htm

There was a really good article in the PNC this week about a local student who was supported by her school when she wore a pentacle necklace. A substitute teacher told her to tuck it in, and the substitute was immediately reprimanded. It’s so nice to see when the system actually works. You can read about this at https://pncminnesota.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/quick-response-by-local-school-over-pagan-necklace/

There’s going to be a new metaphysical store in Brainerd, MN. Ancestral Paths, is targeted to open on March 1st, 2012, at 207 South 7th st. Brainerd, MN. It’s a bit outside the Twin Cities, but we definitely wish them well.

About eight years ago I created a thing called the Pagan Daily Calendar, which attempted to find the Pagan celebrations linked with different days, because every day there is cause for celebration. This required researching the holidays to find out how they were practiced. I would find a description of a tradition, but then further research would reveal that it was only practiced that way in one particular village. Eventually it became clear that Paganism is really about the practices of communities. To understand Pagans, you have to understand the communities in which they practice. Every day, this community has wonderful ways in which it celebrates its Paganism. This is a great community for Pagans.

Cartoon by Shea Thomas at Noland-Comics

Grace wearing her necklace

Tasha-Rose Mirick’s daughter, Grace, is a 4th grader at Galtier Magnet School in St. Paul.   Ms. Mirick says Grace proudly wears a pentacle necklace every day as a sign of her inner held beliefs, much like a Christian wears a cross or crucifix.  Grace says the necklace has a special meaning to her in addition to it being an outward sign of her faith, “I told my friends a story about a Goddess and my mom heard me thought I was ready for the necklace.  I was old enough to wear a sign of my faith.  I was so excited that I was jumping around.  It means a lot to me.”

She had worn the necklace to school everyday since the start of the school year.  It wasn’t until she had a substitute teacher that Grace  experienced any problems,  “After lunch we went back to our room and our substitute teacher said I needed to put my necklace in my shirt.” Grace says she complied, but asked the teacher why she needed to do this.  She says he told her, “because things like that should be kept to yourself.”  Other children in the class had necklaces on, some of them with religious symbols, yet no request was made of them that they hide their necklace.  Grace continued to keep her necklace hidden but was upset at being singled out.  When she got home, she talked to her mother.

Mirick says she contacted Deborah McCain, Principal of Galtier, and the Minnesota Dept of Human Rights.  Mirick said that Principal McCain took fast action, “She let me know that the substitute teacher will not be teaching at Galtier any longer and the likelihood exists that he will no longer be teaching in the St. Paul Public Schools.”   McCain also gave Grace’s mom the phone number for the districts ombudsman to contact for followup.  “This was same day action,” Mirick said, “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Grace and her mother feel good about the prompt action taken by the school to guarantee equal treatment of all students.  Mirick feels this could have been a misunderstanding or something that could have been corrected with education.  Likewise, Grace said, “I feel bad for him that he has a bad record, but I feel my principal did the right thing and showed that she really cares about us.”

Editor’s note:  Tasha-Rose Mirick is a contributor at PNC-Minnesota

Instead of the normal glorious, user-curated chaos of reddit, we will be displaying a simple message about how the PIPA/SOPA legislation would shut down sites like reddit, link to resources to learn more, and suggest ways to take action.

PNC-Minnesota, along with our sister bureaus PNC-Texas, PNC Bay Area, Capital Witch  joins Reddit and hundreds of other websites in the blackout.  We oppose SOPA and PIPA  for the same reason Craigslist opposes both Bills:

Corporate supporters of HR3261 (SOPA) and S968 (PIPA) want the ability to take down any web site that affects their profits — without due process or judicial oversight — in the name of combating “online piracy.” Hoping you won’t notice or care, your Public Servants are preparing to give them that right.

Noted author and teacher T Thorn Coyle has announced her intent to join in the blackout:  “My website will go dark this Wednesday in solidarity with all of those trying to get the attention of US Congress before the Jan 24th vote.(Let’s fight SOPA and NDAA and Social Inequality too! Let’s stand for the world we wish to create, while we’re at it!)”

Public opposition to both Bills has already started to turn the tide against SOPA and PIPA.  The House has agreed to shelve SOPA until greater consensus is achieved.  Some Senators have started to oppose or drop support for PIPA.  However, it’s not over.  SOPA can be picked up again at any time and PIPA is moving forward in the Senate.  If you would like to join in the blackout, here are a few suggestions:

• 1.  Post a large photo on facebook or G+ or the social network of your choice.  Here’s an article detailing how to do this.
• 2.  Have your personal blog or group’s website join the blackout.  Here’s a tutorial on how to do this.
• 3.  Post links to articles with information about the Bills, how they affect you, and what you can do to protest them.  Links provided below.

If you are confused or haven’t heard of SOPA or PIPA and wonder what all the fuss is about, here are a few articles that can help you become better informed about them.

SPA: An Architecture for Censorship
“The practical effect of SOPA will be to create an architecture for censorship—both legal and technological—that will radically alter the costs of engaging in future censorship unrelated to piracy or counterfeiting.”

How PIPA and SOPA violate White House principles supporting free speech
“…a look at the dangerous provisions in the blacklist bills that would violate the White House’s own principles by damaging free speech, Internet security, and online innovation”

SOPA and PIPA are bad industrial policy
“There are many arguments against SOPA and PIPA that are based on the potential harm they will do to the Internet. (There’s a comprehensive outline of those arguments here.) At O’Reilly, we argue that they are also bad for the content industries that have proposed them, and bad industrial policy as a whole.”

Debate between Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian and NBC Universal EVP Richard Cotton.

Remain diligent:  SOPA and PIPA must be squashed, not changed
“As members of both the Senate and the House start falling back to a more defensible position by considering the removal of the DNS provision from SOPA and PIPA, many voices of opposition to the bills are claiming victory. This is a big mistake.”

Website for the internet strike on January 18th.

Some of the other sites also joining the blackout

How long have you known you are poly?
I ended a marriage about five years ago. After that I just knew marriage wasn’t going to work for me. I didn’t know what to call it until someone told my what poyamorous was. When I was dating  after my divorce, it just seemed silly to have to make a decision about who I wanted to have a romantic relationship with. Why did I have to do a choosing? If everyone was agreeable why couldn’t we have more than one relationship?

What was the discussion like when you talked about polyamory?
I had tried dating a few times but  the first time I clicked with anyone he lived about 70 minutes away. We decided to try an ‘open’  relationship, because of the distance. He was presuming we each might have a ‘casual’ encounter now and then, but not an additional ongoing romantic relationship. I didn’t know what polyamory was, or have any definitions. It was a little more difficult to adjust to when I found an additional romantic relationship, because of our casual definitions.  I had to find my own way, negotiating into polyamory. He got over it. In the other relationship, he was polyamorous, and knew how it worked. For him it was , “Yup, that’s great!” He is a lot closer, he only lives a few miles away.

Do you have to schedule your time between them?
I tend to see the closest man more, it is just easier. We are really pretty loose with any schedule, we are all busy people. We all make our own plans, and sometimes we may include each other, if it works out. We are independent and just take whatever time we can and offer it however it matches up with each relationship. If it is out to an event or occasion, we might all three go if it is desired and it can work out that way.

photo: rgbpicture.com

Do you keep each other always informed about who you are seeing?
We really just go about our lives and do what we need to do. If we are seeing someone new, we would  let each other know about it. For our ongoing relationships, prior permission or knowledge is really not necessary. Plans with one may come up in conversation with the other. Then we might talk about it, and maybe include them, or not. It seems to work fine very loosely.

Do they have other relationships?
Right now neither of them has any other relationships. One of them has said that unless something fantastic come along he really isn’t interested in another relationship. The other said, “If something comes along, then I’ll let you know”. I just said, “Okedoke”. We don’t have any kind of condom compact since there isn’t anyone else involved, but if there was the rule would be indeed, yes, use one!

What challenges are there for you with polyamory?
Just not enough time in the day. Too much time working and maintaining a household. I would like to spend more time with each of them, and I just can’t. Sometimes we do get a few scheduling conflicts, but mainly because I can only do so much!

My kids take priority over anyone else, that’s how that works. They know both of the men involved and like them. My youngest only knows the nearer one is a romantic relationship. We keep the poly on the down low until she is a little older. I do spend a lot of time by myself, and just with my kids.

What are some of the benefits for you with polyamory?
Both of my relationships are very different, They both are very nurturing, but in very different ways. The benefit for them, and they have talked and agreed this is a significant benefit, is that I am really kind of hyper active and overwhelming at times, Them being able to split the time with me keeps me from driving either one of them totally crazy! I am a lot of woman!

Who can be successful with a poly relationship?
Jealous people need not apply! Jealousy would be completely counter productive. You need to be very open and honest. Honesty is imperative, it really is. It is the secrets, once you start keeping secrets it gets really destructive.

Intimate Relationship Chart

Is it easier to be Pagan and poly?
I have no doubt that it is, they are a lot more accepting. I think that is one of the reasons I keep it from my daughter is her father is Christian and would cause problems if he knew, now. My partners are an Agnostic and a Pagan.

Would you recommend poly to a single person or mom?
To me poly wasn’t so much a choice. It was something that I felt for a long time, but just didn’t realize. Monogamy, was for me, trying to be someone I wasn’t. It just didn’t work right for me. I would recommend it for someone who finds monogamy not working for them. It is a different lifestyle, with perks and drawbacks. It is nor for everyone.  For me it is just a great way to live.

This end this series of interviews with Pagans who live a polyamorous lifestyle.

What is clear to me is that Pagans practicing polyamory are as diverse and adaptable as Pagans themselves. Our world has changed from one where the intact ‘nuclear’ family is the place where the majority of people find intimacy. People universally want to experience love, and they will go through much to have more of it. For some people polyamory is the perfect solution to getting as much love in their lives as they can. I am glad someone is learning all the skills needed to maintain that much love! We can all learn from that.

Nels Linde

There’s a Valentines Day giveaway for tarot lovers: http://amethysttarot.com/valentines-day-giveaway/#

It’s only 2 weeks until the triumphant return of John Michael Greer. http://shop.eyeofhorus.biz/Ceremonial-Magic-for-Pagans-p/cls-jmg1.htm

Cartoon by Shea Thomas at Noland-Comics

photo: frugivoremag.com

Jimmy and Michelle have known they were poly since their marriage, they have been in a blended family with a child together, and each having a child from a past relationship. Until recently, they have lived with their poly partners together as a family of seven. They have just decided to get a divorce.

How long have you known you are poly?

Michelle (M) : We started talking about it seven years ago when we got married, but we didn’t go into it right away. We decided to open up our marriage around October of 2006, five and a half years ago, when Jimmy was deployed to Iraq.

Jimmy (J) : From the beginning we thought of ourselves as poly. We went to one “swingers party” and looked at each other and said, “This is not for us.”

M :     The reason we did open up our marriage, when Jimmy went to Baghdad, was we believed that we could love other people, and still love each other. Neither one of us believed that love needed to be limited, right off, from the beginning. I wanted Jimmy to have any comfort and solace in Baghdad any way he could get it. If there was someone he found over there,  I told him to please take it. He told me he wanted me to have the same thing, solace and comfort, while he was gone. We knew that being with other people didn’t change how we felt about each other. Love is infinite and not limited by how many people you love.

We have had poly partners in the past  who have been single, had kids, and also who had other relationships. At one time we were in an extended long distance relationship where they also saw each other,  so essentially a quad.

Are you legally married?

J:    Just shy of seven years, on April 28^th.

Have you had relationships outside of your marriage?

M:    We both have .

J:   I saw one woman a few times, and then we each have had two different long-term relationships over the years. My first one was just under a year, Michelle’s was just over a year, and somewhat continues. My second long-term relationship was about a year and a half, and the same for Michelle. Her other relationship is still going strong. Mine has become a less frequent,  long-distance relationship.

 M :   Jimmy had a few sexual encounters that didn’t develop into relationships as well. I haven’t. I have strictly been involved with long-term relationships.

Has your marriage relationship been primary?

J:     We considered our marriage primary. I think the first time that really changed was about April of last year when we reached a point where we both saw that, to some extent,  the “spiritual marriage” between us was over.

M:    We weren’t meeting each others emotional needs so we did what we could, we tried marriage counseling. Other relationships aside,  I don’t feel they had a lot to do with our problems together. We worked on our marriage, and haven’t been able to resolve that.

Do you do use some kind of scheduling of partners?

J:    When they were long distance relationships, we didn’t really make our relationship a priority,  at least not consistently. Once we had relationships with people who lived locally we did try a once a week meet up  schedule.

M:   Our first relationships were concurrent,  long-distance relationships. Both of our second long-term relationships were also concurrent and they both ended up moving in with us. Amanda moved in for about a year and a half, before she moved out recently. Jimmy still maintains a long distance relationship with Amanda. Ryan is still living with us and that relationship is still going strong. During that time all together, things did get very hectic. We had Jimmy and Amanda’s date night, Jimmy and my date night, and my and Ryan’s date night. We had three nights a week where someone would be going out. We had a dry erase board to keep track of it all, and keep the schedule straight.

photo: whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com

What are the challenges of being in a poly relationship?

J:   One of the things a monogamous marriage does is it creates a crucible. There is no escape.  One of two things happens.  Sometimes it succeeds and with enough pressure turns that lump of coal into a “diamond”, but just as often it crushes the relationship into dust. Poly lets air into that crucible, it gives the pressure some place to go. The issue with poly is that by having that alternative, it makes it less necessary to come to transformational solutions together. I don’t know whether our marriage would have survived this long without that or not. We don’t think it would have, it would have been one of those that crumbled, and sooner. That is one of the issues, challenges, and risks within a poly relationship.

Can you have a relationship that is a ‘diamond’ and still have a successful poly relationship, or are they exclusive?

J:    I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. If you find yourself in a relationship where it doesn’t need to provide the strength and the growth, and meshes well, and your needs are complimentary, it can be that “diamond” relationship, polyamorously. I think there are very few relationships that fall into that category, especially when you are talking not just romantically but a partner type of relationship or a parenting relationship, if that is involved. There are so many things that just have to click.

M:    Had Jimmy and I not been poly, I believe we would have been divorced before now. Poly really encourages communication. Any relationship is difficult. If you add more people it will be more difficult. With poly you communicate, communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more.

We did not really start working with our marriage until we became poly. We started communicating and reading books and learning about communication. How people process communication. Being poly forced us to learn more about how we communicate with others than if we had been strictly monogamous. Not to say you should run out and become poly, it is not a solution to marriage problems.

If you feel that you are polyamorous, learning about how relationships work is a plus! Because we were poly we were forced to learn about those things and learn some skills that we did not already have. When we went to a marriage counselor we told him that we loved each other and had some communication break downs. After a few sessions the counselor laughed and said we had better communication skills than anyone he had ever seen and better than most people after they walked out of his office.

It is not always about communication, it is often about meeting each others needs. We discovered that to meet each others needs it would require some fundamental changes in each of us. We got stuck on how to meet each persons needs without harming the other.

With children,  staying together a little longer must have helped gets your kids?

M:    Absolutely.

Was there other benefits to being poly?

J:    The fact that we did stay together has helped make this eventual divorce a lot more amicable. I am confident that if we had stayed monogamous, this divorce would have been a lot less amicable, there would have been a lot more anger. The long-term results with the children would have been worse. When people talk about polyamory it is usually about sex, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Polyamory is about loving more than one person, and not necessarily a sexual component. After this divorce, we probably won’t have a further sexual relationship, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t in a polyamorous relationship. That phrase may still be appropriate.

M:    I love Jimmy, love him very much. He is wonderful partner and father. We just don’t have the romantic side anymore. As a poly family it is a huge advantage to have a core of built-in baby sitters. When Jimmy and I went out on a date, we had two other people there to care for the kids. Even for a night out with a friend, we all helped out with the kids. It takes a village to raise children. Our children know that they are loved by many people. They know if they can’t go to mom or dad, they have someone else they can go to. I plan to find a place nearby so we can continue to share raising the children.

Did you function as a poly family?

M:    Sunday was always bowling day and we did that with what part of the family was home. We have one child together, and then one each with other people so it depended on which children were home on the weekend. It could be three to seven of us going bowling. During the week we definitely functioned as a family. We shared the chores and responsibilities, helped the kids with homework. It was also easier to have ‘alone’ time with each of the children. We functioned very much as a family unit.

What are traits a person needs to be successful in poly relationships?

J:    A lack of jealousy.

M:    I don’t agree.

J:    Positive self-esteem and self-confidence, and good communication skills. To philosophically believe in the possibility of loving more than one person.

M:    To believe that even if you love one person, you can still love another. The way we explained it to our children was that, “You have one child, and than you have another child, and it doesn’t mean you love the other child any less. You love them both equally, not love one less. That is true for love between adults, too.”

I am probably the least poly of the people in our family, but even so I have had three men in my life at one time. Loving more than one person doesn’t diminish love. A positive self-image and being secure with yourself are the most important things.  Jealousy does happen, we fear we may lose something. That is what jealousy is. That fear is natural. When we hide from that fear or ignore it, it gets worse. Being able to face the fear, work on it, and get over it is essential to being successfully poly.

Is it easier to be Pagan and poly?

J:    I’m not sure what you mean when you ask if it’s easier to be Pagan and Poly? Easier than what? I suspect it’s easier than being polyamorous and Christian, particularly as a member of those Christian religions that view sex as, at best, a necessary evil to be used only for the purpose of procreation. However, I don’t know that it’s any easier to be Pagan and poly than reformed Jewish and poly, since I don’t believe that Jews have nearly as many hang-ups on sexuality as many Christian faiths. On the other hand, if you’re asking if it’s easier to be Pagan and Poly than Pagan and Monogamous, I don’t know the answer. That begs the question is it easier to be polyamorous or monogamous. I don’t know which is easier. I suspect it depends on the individual. For me, for the past several years, polyamory has been a better fit.

M:    I do think it’s easier being poly when you’re Pagan. I believe the Pagan community has more diverse beliefs than mainstream society and poly is generally more accepted. Having said that, I will also add that the people in mainstream society who have given me grief over being poly are far fewer than those who have accepted it.

Which is more important to you, being a Pagan or being poly?

J:    I don’t know that I can answer whether I’m Pagan or Poly first. I believe in polyamory. I believe it is possible to love more than one person. I am Pagan. It is a part of how I view the world and the people in it. I believe in the innate divinity of everyone. I have a moral code that I live by,  so both Paganism and polyamory guide my life. Over the past several years, they have both been driving forces in how I live my life on a daily basis so I don’t know that I can say whether I’m Pagan first, or poly first.

M:    For me, Paganism and polyamory are beliefs that I hold. They are separate, but related. If I had to choose which one would be “first”, I would say that I’m Pagan first because my spiritual life impacts my daily decisions, and that will stay the same my entire life. I believe in polyamory, but it is not something that I need throughout my life. If it fits at the time, so be it. If I were to meet someone who wanted to be strictly monogamous, then that would be OK., too. I don’t need multiple relationships.

Last, and next week in this series of interviews with poly Pagans, what is it like to be poly and a single mom.

Nels Linde

Priscilla’s Place meets every Saturday from 1-2:30 pm at the Living Table United Church of Christ. 4001 38th Ave S, Minneapolis, MN 55406. All faiths and non-faiths welcome.

The GLBTQA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, and Allied)  community has witnessed its share of devastation from suicides, with the organization Soul Force reporting that queer-identified youth are three times more likely to commit suicide than their peers. While the National Institute for Mental Health  collects no data on the specifics of GLBT and mental health as a population of study, the data published on suicide statistics states, “Homosexuality has also been shown to be correlated with suicide attempts among youth.” The Institute does not mention collection of data for older GLBT adults.

Last year, the Living Table United Church of Christ (formerly known as Spirit of the Lakes UCC) lost one of its own members to suicide. Kimberia Sherva, a peer counselor for the church’s mental health support group, says that in response to this loss, Pastor James Pennington enlisted the aid of the National Alliance on Mental Illness Minnesota (NAMI-MN)  to establish a peer support group at his church. With the help of two volunteer peer counselors, one of them the Pagan-identified Sherva, the group now runs every Saturday from 1-2:30 pm in the church basement.

The group, called “Priscilla’s Place,” has a small core membership, with occasional drop-in attendees. “They talk, we listen, offer support and suggestions, and try and let them know they’re not alone,” says Sherva.

Sherva elaborates on her role in the support group, “As a member of the GLBTQA community myself, and as someone who has a mental illness, I understand where our group members come from. I am going to school to be a therapist one day, and the training I’ve received from NAMI-MN and the ongoing group facilitating I do has been priceless. I am not a therapist for the group. This is a peer run group whose facilitators went through training through NAMI-MN.”

The group supports people of any religious identification. “The Living Table is a welcoming community and it is a non-denominational church. In its services, it often refers to God/Goddess. I have told Reverend [Pennington] that I am more comfortable with the mention of the Goddess and he has put it into his services more. I find that comforting and welcoming. People of all faiths (or even non-faiths) are welcome at the church. [Priscilla’s Place] itself is not based upon any religious credo. The members can range from Christian to Pagan to atheist to agnostic and anything in between. The most important thing is that we are here to support others who are living with a mental illness (or illnesses) and who are GLBTQA,” says Sherva.

How long have you been poly?

Delta (D) :    That is complicated. About 1990, we realized before our marriage, that we were poly. Both of us had considered polyamory before we even had met each other.
Iacchus (I):      I was into the Horned God at that point.
D:     We were both into open relationships, so we did it consciously.

Are you legally married?
D:    We are married.
I :    We celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary on new years eve.

What has your poly experience been like?
D:    I wouldn’t say we have had a large number of relationships. We now have a circle of five, three others besides us two, as active lovers.
I:    We have a ‘condom compact’ with those three as active lovers.
D:    We have had everything from short-term relationships to a few flings once in a while. We have ground rules within our relationship, so we ask each other first. We  make sure we let each other know what is going on all the time.
I:    Early on we spent a lot of time  ‘cocooning’  with each other. We are really into our relationship, and still are. We talk about what we are comfortable with. In most of the cases, when we bring someone in, we have spent a lot of time talking.
D:    We were functionally monogamous for about three years, not that it was a conscious choice, that is just how it was.

Is your married relationship your primary one?
D:    We have set it up so it is our primary relationship.
I:    Yes, we like it that way, that is what works for us. We think human beings in general are poly. They are in different stages with different needs, and different conditions that create a variation in that theme. People have this idea about limiting love to monogamy. We don’t think that is necessary, it is something we learn. We have decided to accept ourselves as human beings, and be honest and really try to strengthen our love relationship.

Do you make agreements with your poly partners?
D:    We don’t have that much control over other people. We do have some rules.  For example unless someone is in our condom compact, we require the use of condoms with that other person. We don’t require them to be poly. We do have a standing rule that we don’t become involved with people who married and monogamous, and are cheating on their spouse. We don’t want to create problems for other couples.
I:    It becomes emotionally complex. Besides the ethical issues it is too easy for it to become dirty and ugly.
D:    We make sure we communicate with the partners of anyone we become involved with. We keep it all above-board. Honesty and communication is key, otherwise it won’t work  and it blows up eventually.
I:    Honesty and communication are essential to any kind of marriage. Having a poly relationship requires an emotional adjustment. We are not emotionally taught to be that way so it takes courage to say what you are feeling, thinking, what turns you on, and all the things of intimacy.
D:    If anything, in a poly relationship these things become more important.

Photo: Schooloftantra.net

Are all your partners informed about each other?
D:    They all know about each other, in fact they are all friends. That is the way we have done it. We try not to compartmentalize our relationships. We try to keep them all together and friendly if possible. Unless we have a short-term fling, that is a little different. Anything long-term we strive for that shared knowledge, and so far have been successful.
I:   I attended a poly conference alone a few years back, and met a woman there. I called up Delta and, with the woman right there, had the conversation so we all knew we were all on board with it. Realistically, I was not going to be back to that area, so we all knew and accepted that.
D:    It is not something that happens very often. I wouldn’t consider us anywhere near what is considered promiscuous. That was ten years ago.

Are your poly partners committed to the relationship or as friends?
I:    Usually you are involved with someone who you really like as a friend. What I found as a man early on was that a lot of women that were friends also were attractive to me.  I wouldn’t necessarily become in love with them.  I found that treating them as a friend, and also being a man and woman together enjoying sex, could create a  positive feedback loop that expanded the relationship. I was once dating a woman nineteen years my senior and I was trying to justify my being sexual with her by falling in love with her. She finally just said, “Knock it off” . It was nice to hang out with her and the sex was really nice, and that is all she was asking for. We tend to bring people in as friends, and if that friendship deepens and becomes a love relationship, that is fine. We don’t try to make things happen.
D:    I would agree with that.

What are some of the challenges of being poly?
D:    Sometimes things don’t go the way you planned. People, for whatever reason, aren’t honest and then you find out later that they weren’t. It causes heart ache.
I:    Making the emotional adjustment is difficult and time-consuming at first There is time and effort needed to do it well, to establish a relationship. Dealing with our culture is a tricky business. It is not that the idea of poly doesn’t have validity, it is that making the emotional adjustment and to think about it takes an effort. You don’t have any role models, or paths, to tell you this is how you do it.
D:    Trust is very important. People break the trust and then there are choices. You talk it out and try again, or you can decide  it isn’t going to work and break it off. Also, there is always your biological family understanding you. It is sort of like being gay, your alternative sexual lifestyle is something that relatives and friends may have some issues with. I have ‘come out’ to my parents and my family, they haven’t disowned me. They still love and accept me. They find it alien and strange but it has been positive and I am happy I am out with them. It feels good.
I:    I am out to one brother, but I only bring it out in context or else it feels strange.  Early on one of the things we did, because of an interest in Tantra, we developed an initiation that included a dinner and a lot of talk and a ritual. We have seen poly couples, who would say yes, go ahead be with that other person. They allow it to be if it is out of sight and mind, but they are not really emotionally accepting it. We usually first have a threesome or foursome, and work to make it a positive experience. Everyone then knows what is going on and can work to accept it. Once we are more comfortable, one of us may then have dates with that person.

Do you function as a poly family?
D:   Because of distance it isn’t practical to live together, so we don’t function as a family. We know others that do that, but we aren’t functioning in that way.
I:   … and that is okay, we like our pair bond.
D:    Everyone has different ways of doing it. We like our own time together, and we like to sometimes open it up and share ourselves with other people.

What are the benefits of being poly?
D:    I like the idea that love shared is love grown. Love becomes a flower that grows and embraces. It feels good to share love. The more the merrier. When it is working, it is [delete :like the root of an] an emotional high because you realize that the restrictions that our society has put on love relationships is all smoke. You step over the wall and you realize there is another world out there. People are open-hearted. It feels good to be open. It is a happy, joyous feeling.
I:    When you are all in bed together naked and playing with each other and having a good time there is a  joy that you can’t get anywhere else.
D:    It is a little piece of paradise. You can’t buy it.
I:   When you  just hang out as a friend there is this deepness, you can flirt and stay connected in a long-term way.  Even if you see each other just a few times a year,  there is this deeper connection.
D:     There is also a body-mind acceptance. People have friends, talk on the internet, go out together, but when you have this body-mind acceptance of your physical body, your soul and heart, all together in one package, it is more whole. It feels good to have that wholeness shared.
I:    Being honest with myself, I found out early on that I really liked both sexual variety, and familiarity.  If you have familiarity with someone, it allows you to feel comfortable being with them, and being who you really are. This is a real turn on, and I like it. Add a third or a foursome and you can have both. We are primates like the bonobo chimpanzees, and this is our human nature. My spouse is a great partner and she recognizes that within me, and herself.

Famous Poly Couple: Paul and (pictured:) Gala Eluard, and Salvador Dali

Is it easier to be Pagan and poly?
D:    Paganism is open to many deities, rather than a monotheistic god. That mindset is conducive to taking the next step and being polyamorous. You can love more than one person at the same time, just like you can love more than one god or goddess at the same time. It fits together really well. We have friends who are Atheist and poly, so being Pagan isn’t necessary.
I:    Paganism has the Horned God and the Goddess. As a counselor and trained Jungian, I’ve seen the archetypes as really powerful.  The Goddess Aine has multiple lovers and a husband. The Horned God has multiple aspects: a devoted husband, sometimes bisexual or bi-friendly, and as a lover of women. For me He is a great example of a committed husband and lover that also honored my sexuality. Relationships require equality.

What are the qualities you look for to be successful in a poly relationship?
D:    It is always a feeling out process. We are always friends first before poly is considered. The ability to be trustworthy is key. If we see someone as honest in their dealings with other people, it can be considered. You need a certain amount of emotional independence, a sense of your own self and autonomy to be successful in poly relationships. It takes one who can be emotionally independent and at times let their partner go and still have themselves to come back to.
I:    They have themselves and also enjoy a certain bond. They enjoy the experience, but are not expecting to be more than a real friend. I am not looking for a second marriage partner. I want to connect with people in relationships, but not with a lot of emotional baggage brought in. We don’t want our lives more complicated than it already is! If they are not compatible as friends we can’t bring them into a deeper relationship. When someone comes along we become friends and poly might happen in a month, a year or several years, or never.
D:    We follow where the other person is at, and they become more involved in a natural way. However, say another woman is very interested in Iacchus, and may want to split us up. People may bring along their monogamous mind-set, so we are careful to be certain that the person is open and friendly to both of us, not just one or the other. Otherwise it becomes the ‘cutting the filly from the herd” syndrome, and something to watch out for.
I :    I am really in love with my wife. I don’t want someone to do what she does within our relationship. I am not seeking another partner because I am not happy with my partner or sexually unfulfilled with my partner. I want to do it within the concept of friends, or ‘dear ones’.  I love when a woman become sisters with Delta. It is not competitive. We need sisterhood and brotherhood; it is uplifting and a turn on.
D:    Two men sharing me is a wonderful, sparkly, joyous feeling. It is seeing the war of the sexes  being lifted for that time. It is a very deep experience. Go slow and talk a lot. Be friends.

Later this week an interview with a married poly couple breaking up.

Nels Linde